I am Joe Blog’s Left Ventricle

Tuesday night

Saw the new star trek movie with work. Almost the whole company went, director’s suite to ourselves. Had a hoot drinking with danni and it wasn’t a bad film.

Then we went to a pub for drinks and pool. I had booked the next 3 days off work (burnout plus dead-dad-date = not wanting to interact with the world much for a while) so was up for some serious drinking. I lost count of the vodkas but there was only two long island iced teas. I love those things.

Approached two cute asian girls. Being me, I used only my own material and personality. Got the number of the one I found more attractive. Seeing her this thursday for “coffee”. She seems really nice, I’m going to find this interesting I suspect. I stuck around talking (hmm, language barrier - interesting challenge) for about 5 minutes and then went back to my friends.

Their reaction was amusing.

It was May 26th, so I tried to stay out, drunk and with friends until 1am May 27. Succeeded, best May 26-27 ever. Although it was a bit tough in the movie - there’s a scene where a father sacrifices himself in a suicide attack to save his wife and son, and there’s a few “your father would be proud of you” moments which I found a bit difficult.

Friday night

A few days before I’d opened someone else’s mail at my address (I don’t ever do this, but I know the person and it was blatantly just an Astor poster) and lo, the astor poster enclosed said that the Watchmen was screening 7:30pm friday night.

That’s fate that is, my last chance to see the film at the cinema for possibly years (until the astor screens it again), and I find out about it a few days before? hmm.

Two separate friends who do not know each other both told me I am very similar to dr manhattan. Having seen the film I agree except I have no super powers and my penis isn’t glowing blue. Also I feel I am being drawn closer to the human race not further afield as time goes by. I am unlikely to leave for another galaxy although his running off to Mars to be alone definitely strikes a chord. I tend to journey to Neptune myself, it’s very peaceful out there, a long way from all this human noise. Also, I don’t have just one tenuous link with humanity… I have many and have been building that interface for years. It’s a big, wide-band one nowadays…

I loved the film! I don’t usually go in for superhero films at all but this is by far and away the best ever made. It was panned by some critics for being too gritty, too real, too complicated, too long and too faithful to the source material. All things that made me want to see it…

During movie had several sms’s from work friends. Love those guys, I guess they were being selfish wanting me to come out for their own reasons but thanks to them I watched a movie on my own and didn’t feel lonely or loserish once. In fact I found the experience so rewarding im likely to repeat it. *hugs astor poster*

Post film I met up with the work friends at another pub (Friday night is our drinking night. Well, one of them) and was introduced to a new girl, a friend of a friend of a friend. Got her number, not sure if we’ll meet up though - she seemed very into me but I’m not counting on anything. I want to for sure, she explained how commercial and forensic DNA matching works to me and that’s a damned attractive thing to do to me.

TV Box

I managed to resurrect it. I had a girl coming over for a quiet night (which we both needed) and I decided to try to fix the fucker. We planned on getting a DVD as a fallback plan, which we ended up acting on as the array was still rebuilding when she arrived, but ultimately the mighty TV box is back in business and my doco collection is alive and well.

I bought a couple of movies via itunes but they’re encrypted. There are different buttons for rent and buy and I figured “buy” would mean no DRM but Bzzzt. I don’t know why they call it “buy” when I don’t really own it, can’t move it to a 2nd device to play it. Who the fuck watches movies sitting at their desk on their computer? Piss off! I wont be buying more movies until they fix that. I’m cool with the drm-free music though, nice move and they’ve made a few hundred off me so far on that.

Computer games

Very un-enamoured with the state of the whole industry right now. Digital distribution is finally taking over and the early days of a Stardock and Valve sponsored independent game movement appear to be afoot, but right now there isn’t much in the way of interesting new games around.

I’m totally done with MMO’s at the moment. Sony could probably *still* make vanguard into a viable WoW competitor if they moved most development efforts from EQ and EQ2 into it and did some serious marketing. The main thing the game needs now is more players and an _intelligent_ future development roadmap, two things Sony is apparently incapable of arranging. And someone badly needs to make the PvE eve that will be to Eve what WoW was to EQ. I’d play that.

The only future game I’m excited about is elemental, developed by Stardock themselves. This is a really exciting concept because it’s basically Master of Magic (think CIV but medieval and spells instead of a tech tree) but with a tech tree as well, and serious RPG/adventure elements thrown in, massive use of modern technology (strategic down to micro-detail zoom ala Sins of a Solar empire, > 2GB RAM usage on 64 bit platforms etc) and a host of really exciting new ideas. The development team consists of the entire galciv2 crew (my current all-time favourite turn based strategy game) doubled in size and led by the ceo himself. This is gonna rock, and Beta 0 is due in a month or two (wont be fun, just proof of concept at first). Unfortunately the release date is likely to be late 2010.

Work

Definitely fun, a little too stressful at the moment and I’ve got the sickening task of implementing everything I’ve just learned from a short but brutal course on project management (PMI PMBOK CAPM) into the way my team manages projects, and making it work… yesterday because boy have we got work to do.

Love

What about love about love about love about love? This is where I’m losing out. I seem to be dating a bunch of frightened gen-y girls who are afraid to love because they might lose… or something. I need to fix this somehow, because I’m not in this ridiculous game to fuck around. Sex is fun but the aim is love, people, it’s always love.

Love is not a victory march.

The dark, mysterious Interior

I’ve taken two inner journeys lately, found the results interesting.

In the way of the Huna, the Ka is the name for the subconscious.

Following the non-instructions, he asks it for its name.

Ka, what is your name?

Angel.

Seriously, what’s your name?

Angel.

Fine, you can be angel. A little weird but okay.

He follows the next non-instruction.

Angel, show me my childhood.

Images flash before his mind. Sights and smells and sounds and feeling. The scent of pine needles from the Christmas tree. A boy alone in the world in boots in a creek. Happiness and learning, growth and fear. The journey is fast but… comprehensive

He follows more.

Angel… show me my saddest memory.

A man seems asleep on the floor in a dark pool of blood. The feeling of sadness is tremendous, unbelievable. Sadness and loss, failure and guilt. But he knows the image and does not fear it. The effect passes. <– this didn’t surprise me although I wasn’t aware that first-view was the saddest memory - interesting.

Angel… show me my happiest memory.

The scent of sun-cream on her pale skin, a blue and white dress on a happy young woman in his arms. Sun and tree-dappled shadows play on them as they hold each other in a moment of arousal and absolute love. They stand together behind a parked car on white sand brought up from the beach below, where they will soon journey hand-in hand to see the turquoise and green sea. <– this blew my head clean off. I’ve been happy many times since but didn’t realise that was my happiest memory EVER

The second inner journey was much simpler. Picture a meadow besides a forest with a stream on a mountainside.

For me the place was beautiful and near perfect - but it was a bit cold and empty. Not freezing but chilling, and not totally devoid of life but by no means fauna-ville either. This makes sense to me - my life has everything I want right now except it’s a bit cold and lifeless. What about love?

Also, interestingly, the mountside was steep and there was a very strong impression I was climbing it without any serious hope of ever reaching the top. This is also very much in line with reality.

1. Failure and my natural response

This in and of itself is not a disturbing sign. I move in many spheres in my life and I do not succeed in every activity I undertake all of the time. Sometimes I fail.

My natural response to failure is to analyse the failure and surrounding events, determine the underlying causes, re-examine my actions and strategies for flaws, increase my learning and try again. This is the successful person’s response to failure.

However, my two recent failures were romantic in nature, and took place many months after my last success. For reasons I find fairly bewildering now, I spent many months of last year actively avoiding any romantic connection to anyone. This plus two consecutive failures produced a dangerous frame of mind.

To many people this frame of mind would be a precursor to depression. But my brain no longer works like that. My response to problems is much more aggressive. It’s probably also worth noting that “failure” was not the sole event during this period. There was also success.

I just hate failing.

And I honestly believe I ‘deserved’ to succeed on both occasions. I’ve earned my place in society, and it’s a strong place. My methods just sucked.

But why is failure a disturbing sign?

Failure indicates that a challenge is present. Challenge attracts the monster.

2. Access to new data

Interestingly enough, four years ago when I was busy working my ass off building a career and engaged in long term relationships (one after another in too-quick succession, with no comfortable “single” period in between) a book came out which blew open an interesting internet-borne phenomena which became known as the seduction community.

I am going to paraphrase what the seduction community actually is to save you a lot of time.

1. Male Nerds
2. Armed with psychology, scientific method, time and money
3. Motivated by powerful internal forces and instincts
4. Facilitated by internet forums and newsgroups
5. Trading data, theory, and publishing field-test reports

Armed with this ridiculous array of modern technology, the ultimate motivator and evil genius, a very large (and still growing) community of nerds began to learn how to Pick Up Women.

Scary thought?

I found it fascinating. And every time I run into their literature I practically drink it.

I have access to everything any of them ever published, and I can’t stop reading it.

3. Loss of interest in older pursuits

This is a big disturbing sign for me and would in many people be another depression warning sign. I can’t remember the last time I loaded a computer game. I haven’t watched a documentary on my TV box in weeks. In fact my TV box died, taking out my entire documentary COLLECTION and I can’t believe how little I care.

4. Signs of a new strength emerging

The signs of a strength are:

Aptitude (comes naturally to you)

Fun (you enjoy doing the activity)

Flow (time flies when you do it)

Energy (you seem to gain energy from doing the activity rather than feeling drained, tired, bored)

When I process, learn, understand and apply any of this material, all of these signs are in evidence. Which is a surprise to me.

5. Synchronicity

Everything seems to be falling into place.

The community’s reached maturity on all fronts, most importantly to me they’re publishing bodies of knowledge which are well tested and effectively peer reviewed.

I seem to be at an optimal point in my life to experiment on my own. I’ve got money. I’ve got a bit of time (not a hell of a lot but I can go out a couple of nights a week and not ruin my work life). I’ve got resources. I’ve got friends. I’m single. I’m in a big, fun city. I’m holding a position of strength and respect within society. I’m very secure within myself, a very solid outer projection backed up by a completely solid self esteem underneath.

6. A coalescence of internal consensus

I’ve been saying to myself “well this is interesting but im just going to learn a few things I need, take them away and use them for a few small but significant-to-me goals”. I’ve been saying im not the kind of guy that wants to date a hundred women. I’ve been saying this sort of thing isn’t me, I like nerdy persuits, I find most socialisation to be fuck-boring, would rather read a book etc etc.

But when the book I’m reading is about how to make socialisation not fuck boring for ALL concerned (and that everyone ELSE is as bored with “hey how about that new TV show eh, that guy on it is such a jerk!” as I am), it’s hard for me to hold that excuse.

And when I look at my past behaviour with new areas of learning, I really can’t claim that I just pick and choose a few things I want. I tend to seize it all and test it.

And since when have I really been a guy that doesn’t want to date a hundred women? I’m poly for fuck sake and have been since before they INVENTED the word. I’m the guy everybody’s girlfried comes to to cheat with anyway, I may’s well surrender to my terrible fate.

And nerdy pursuits? I’ve already read two books and god knows how much web material on the subject and I can tell I will be reading stupid amounts more before I’m done. This IS a nerdy pursuit.

Together these signs point to one thing, and one thing only.

A new obsession.

Why is that disturbing?

This one is entirely about people. In particular, female ones.

And I’ve never been like that before. Relationships and sex for me sorta kinda just happened when I was busy doing other stuff. Well, an exception here and there when I put effort in. Usually to my own detriment because I was working off the wrong material.

It’s also potentially an unhealthy obsession. Parts of my early studies in this field have been useful for my career, and I suspect there’s a great deal more to learn in that category. But this obsession is well documented for its addictiveness.

Unethical?

Well actually, like any tool, it comes down to how you use it.

Most men out there lie, cheat and steal from their women. Most men out there are either total jerks or fuck-boring dorks. The goal here isn’t to deceive women into thinking I’m better than that. I genuinely am. The goal is just to take the learning process from a very boring and difficult six months or so to about thirty seconds, flipping the switches the assholes hit but with a genuine payoff in that im actually a good guy instead of a piece of shit.

I can’t see this as unethical unless I choose to use it so. And I don’t ever do that.

Beware

Yes. We’re not satisfied with taking your jobs, your money and your power. The Nerds are coming again. And this time, we want your women.