I am Joe Blog’s Left Ventricle

I’m changing my Brunswick breakfast cafe recommendation.

This incredibly momentous, world-changing event was brought about by several key factors.

The slow decline in food quality at Don’t Tell Tom’s… the slow decline of the menu, ruining the open steak sandwich and finally fucking the big breakfast off and replacing it with something I could cook myself if I _really_ wanted bad food. Worst of all, the “breakfast until” time went from 5, to 4:30, to 4, to 3pm and finally 12:30. 12:30? Who the fuck is awake at 12:30 on a Sunday, let alone hungry yet? The fucking hangover’s just kicking in about then you morons.

So the winner? Well I checked Mule out again after many years and found they had done a bit of an about-face on the whole breakfast thing and were serving it nice and late. Not bad  either but not so good I wanted to walk that far in 40 degree heat every weekend just for a feed. Mule do have really awesome home-made style baked beans which were freaking good, but not even on my list unfortunately.

There is some other little cafe who’s name escapes me next door to the brunswick club (IIRC) but their food wasn’t all that crash hot. I also tried the huge cafe on the corner of Lygon and Victoria and they’re okay but I get the feeling they’re kind of just biding their time waiting for more huge blocks of flats to open up or something. Their heart isn’t in it yet, and even though they do the lightest, fluffiest scrambled eggs this side of the Yarra and would serve them pretty much whenever I turned up, I have other priorities.

The winner, surprisingly and super-ironically to me, is in fact The Red Box cafe.

These guys used to be the numero uno epic-fail stars of Breakfast. Red Box was the quintessential “sorry breakfast is over” cafe, even “sorry the kitchen is closed” it’s 2pm you numnuts twats with your wanky lights and silly name!

But lo! A few short years later these guys are serving breakfast until 5:30pm which kicks everyone else’s ass clear out of Sydney road. Better yet, they serve avocado (I am now a hopeless addict of the avocado on toast with scrambled eggs on top combo), they serve nice hand-cut toast and they give you real butter to spread on it. They have this awesome red onion jam which is too sweet to eat a lot of but they put a nice little serve on the plate and it’s freakin divine. And their coffee’s good. I’m not enough of a coffee tosser to give scores, but they certainly achieve beyond my ability to judge.

The also do this awesome chickpea hash brown which, while a bit salty for my tastes (I’m oversensitive to salt these days) tastes freakin incredible.

One really good thing about their menu is that I don’t have to come out and say I’m ordering vegetarian. If you don’t eat sausage or bacon you’re basically a vegetarian for breakfast purposes, but my testicles complained every time I ordered “vegetarian” at tom’s. Real men can admit to an avocado addiction but not order vegetarian.

Anyway I wrote all of that because I’m mega overdue for an update, and aside from things so classified I can’t even tell the CIA (you know who you are) I really don’t have much news. Life is cruising along beautifully right now, everything’s sliding and clicking into place like Antec designed it (but running like Seasonic engineered it) and my most common facial expression is a rather stupid relaxed smile.

I feel a little bit like I’m in the last scene of fight club really, watching the world collapse from the top of a nearby building. Except I don’t have any gunshot wounds \o/