The Dark Period
November 28th, 2005 by jamMon November 28, 2005
The Dark Period
torquil: hey it’s SOX audit time, I’m taking a 4 week holiday. Here’s the UNIX support phone
jam: hi, I’m bambi. What’s with this phone thingo?
thunder: hi jam, mate I’ve got a bit of a problem here these auditors need about 5 meg of data from 361 separate requests in the next five minutes
jam: okey, here we go, whew that took five minutes twenty, sorry
thunder: very good. I was lying about the five minutes, they really wanted it tomorrow. Now go home its 2pm
torquil: hey prague is nice
unix support phone: beep beep! beep beep!
unix support phone: beep beep! beep beep!
jam: gee 3am? I am pastrami yoghurt here
thunder: hi jam, mate I’ve got a bit of a problem here, these auditors took yesterday’s 5 meg of data and somehow found so many things to query us on that they wrote a 6meg document full of queries. They need it in five minutes and im not fibbing this time
jam: whew, there we go, four minutes this time. I’m really learning to script
thunder: very good. you spelled your name wrong on page 4,094. Oddly, everything else is accurate
thunder: they’re like this sometimes, they must be bored or something
jam: so why don’t we have Dom seduce them like last year? what’s with all the bad noise?
Dom: not my type mate. I’m into goats and this year they’re rabbits with laserguns
des: these fucking cockmunching cunts should be cut up and fucken crammed down an elevator shaft
torquil: I have beer
jam: christ, AOL problems? I thought we fixed that crap. God this is like working two jobs
thunder: it’s 1pm go home dammit, leave that crap for tomorrow
unix support phone: beep beep! beep beep!
jam: gee 2:59am? What’s with the beeping? Do you need another bottle or your nappy changed? WHAT? WTF am I saying. Christ im tired
jam: cool I made it to work on time. good thing I bought that tardis back in ‘nam
jam: hey Brett what’s the story with all these packets going missing? Why’re they piling up on your desk
brett: fuckoff im going for the guiness book of records packet pyramid record. I get a free beer if I win
jam: a guiness right?
brett: nah, a stella
dom: waste of fucking time
fire alarm: BLEEEP BLEEP WHOOOP WHOOP WHOOOP
jam: hey what’s with the fire alarm
[room full of people]: general shrugging
des: three fucking firetrucks. Those cunting fuckheaps are gonna cost us a $500 call-out fee each. Fucken fucked cock-smoking cunt-rashes
thunder: hi jam, mate I’ve got a bit of a problem here. These auditor types, they want 600gig of preformatted backup records that we don’t have, and they need it last night. I’m gonna have to call in that favour you owe me and get you to hire the tardis again
jam: hi Jason. I’ve got that data for you
thunder: wtf? I haven’t asked yet, it’s bloody 5am you lunatic. Go home! Did you load the tardis up on cheap beer again?
jam: wow, world writable /etc/passwd. I bet they’re going to complain about this. What’s the G-O with spotting stuff before anybody notices boss?
thunder: A nod’s as good as a rubber chicken to a blind goat
jam: I am planning on taking an Early Lunch tomorrow
thunder: might be an idea to have an *even* EARLIER _b_r_e_a_k_f_a_t_s_
jam: [sigh] very well
thunder: we will speak of it no more
dom: you guys are fucked up
greening: hahahahaha I pulled the bolts out of your chair
*CRUNCH*
dom: my spine! Thank god for lightning reflexes and titanium bone replacement therapy
thunder: hey it’s midday, go home dammit, you’re overworked
unix support phone: I’m guessing the hammer beside me on the bedside table means this is Quiet Night.
alarm: BLEEP BLEEP BE- *SMASH*
jam: oops
jam-sms: hey boss I’m running a bit late. Gave my alarm a bit of a Des-special this morning and slept in
thunder: understandable, hey take your time
jam: really?
thunder: no, that silly AOL server crashed again
jam: how hot is the server room now?
thunder: don’t worry Dom and Grover have rigged up an aspestos suit for us. We can go in one at a time for 3 minute periods
jam: how’d they pull that shit off?
thunder: I left the blu-tak out again, and I think they had reruns of macgyver
torquil: holy crap, the eifel tower is REALLY big. Especially sideways. I should probably get up off the pavement, but I’m not sure which way up is. Damn those Red’s fuck you up
jam: wow that sure was a braindead taxi driver. I never knew you could even GET to king street via helsinki. was nice to see torq’s tho.
thunder: hi jam, mate I’ve got a bit of a problem, these auditoriachicaimients reckon they want 650mil in hard cash by last week
jam: we’re fucked
thunder: well the money’s not a problem, I think we’ve got that much in the back store room. The problem is to spend it, we have to use next year’s budget. Next year.
jam: I fucking signed a *NO TIME TRAVEL* contract with you guys
thunder: yeah I know but you owe me a favour
jam: what? your spent that thing
thunder: you’re not the only guy who got Dr Who laid you know.
jam: touche 
Des: Fuck this fucking shitfucking cuntwad of a cunting cunt cunt!
thunder: The mail server is lagged again?
Des: fuck yeah. Lagged? Feels like watching sloths hump while yer on speed. At least I can’t see the emails about people complaining about email being slow yet.
jam: wow how do you tell what he’s pissed about?
thunder: you count the ‘cunt’s. four means email every time, or um, you know
jam: shit, another 20 terminations. I’m running out of shells
thunder: shells?
thunder: you can kill their accounts from just one shell can’t you?
jam: their…. accounts?
thunder: oh shit, you’ve haven’t been bumping them off have you?
jam: nevermind.
thunder: I guess I understand why the lift wont go below level 1 anymore….. shit
thunder: oh well they were leaving anyway. Don’t forget to can their accounts, we can’t have zombie users emailing each other porn or something
jam: that would explain the slow email server. Why don’t we just put Des on the quick one anyway?
Des: what the fuck would I swear about?
jam: point.
Des: hey this gives me an idea about these auditors
Dom: we could terminate…. their accounts
all: …
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