I am Joe Blog’s Left Ventricle

countdown to 30

September 20th, 2005 by jam

Tue September 20, 2005

countdown to 30

shapes begin to emerge, the faintest of lines slowly define untold form

aeons pass

a tiny hint of a picture appears, fueling my imagination as to what the eventual scene will be. I guess at the shapes, and slowly, more tiny pictures emerge at the edges, in orderly rows and columns

like an undersea mountain range revealed by millions of years or receding tides… caused by massive icecaps expanding to collossal proportions, covering half the globe… it begins to emerge out of the depths

or is it perhaps, glass in the desert, being slowly etched away by Time?

No. It’s a fucking webpage over a modem. CHRIST I miss cable. Worse, it’s the porn site that craiga gave me access to for my birthday, and the beautiful naked girls arrive with the glacial progression of my previous 5 girlfriends over the previous 10 years. Admittedly the last one has lasted half that time or something, which fucked my average. Nevertheless, these girls are coming at about that speed.

What is the speed of one girl coming? hmmm

And *fuck* getting older. Fuck being so young nobody takes you seriously, but FUCK getting older too. Fuck staying the same age for all time to boot. And fuck dying. Fuck it! I’m 363 days from being 30. Will I stop getting acne when I’m 30? I sincerely hope so. Maybe I’ll take The Drugs again just to make sure.

I wonder who the first human cloned will be? What it will mean? what will it change? Name the first extinct animal we resurrect? Will it be the thylacine? How about the elephant bird? The wooly mammoth?

How about the honest salesman? The idealist politician? The idealist? Jesus? Zuul? Carl Von Clausewitz? Athur Putee?

I’m going for “one of jam’s dreams”. Not the one with the brightly sunlit waiting room full of men in suits, crossed with the shadow of the box window frames, warmed by the light of a dying world. I mean the one with the greenhouses against greenhouse effect. The one about doing something worthwhile.

I’ve brought some of my dreams into the world, and some of them have translated better than I had ever imagined. I think I’m ready to… risk one that really matters. Fragile things…… reality is ever the cruellest thing for dreams.

Spent the early hours of a morning watching Hotel Rwanda. Sitting in front of the TV unable to breathe, with my mind screaming “ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING” brought back memories of 1994. My last year of high school… was a formulative moment for me… perhaps not a life-changer but certainly a confirmation of dark feelings. I would’ve given anything, anything, anything to stop those million people being murdered. But we didn’t. We drank our coffee. Worked our jobs. Picked the kids up from school. They handed me an english essay to write. I wrote about fourty-thousand corpses floating down a river in Rwanda. I got 3/20.

I’m still about changing the world. I will never forget the long, dark time in my life where the only thing keeping me alive was the promise to myself that I would survive my environment and change it.