I am Joe Blog’s Left Ventricle

Modern woman is not a symbol of the female half of our race desperately trying to escape the evil bonds and wiles of the male half.

Do not mistake her for a vibrator.

In her day, 50’s woman was considered by males to be largely a device for keeping the house clean, doing the dishes and washing our clothes.

I can get that shit for $60 a fortnight.

And don’t talk to me about cooking. Any time I can be fucked doing it myself I marvel at how it seems to cost more than eating out. 50’s woman has been replaced by imported cleaning labour and moving to Brunswick.

Modern woman - unless she owns a vibrator - has had to adapt to sneak into the subconscious of modern man. She has learned how to intrigue us with witty banter about movies and music. She has put on corporate cammo and found a spectacularly interesting career.

She does not stay home and cook meat and three veg, but staggers in pissed at 1am screaming with laughter at the ubershoe competition she just had with a total stranger-chick on her way home, collapses unconscious on the carpet with her hand in ours (where the ink-smudge words “haemoglobin protein f.a.c.s.” and “storage / WAN stats” almost, but not quite, touch) and dreams about fucking our best mate(s).

She’s fucked off the old “through the stomach” rout (unless actually delivering the coup de grace with an icepick) and picked up the whole “intrigue the shit out of him, then fuck him up/around/over and off” bizzeaux.

We’re still wrapped around her little finger, she’s still bent over the sofa, and everybody eats takeout.

NB: I don’t actually know the original date of this article. The one listed is approximate. It is essentially a blog post, made before Portallus supported blogs.